DFA Writes

If i could choose who i love, who i fall..who id fall in love with i would have…i think. i only think because i love that i love you, with all of my heart but, ugh, but i want them to be proud, and when i tell them they wont be. yes i know i shouldnt care what they think and i dont, but i do they are my family darling. then i feel terrible for thnking this, that i cant possibly love you and hve these thoughts but dont we all? im sorry beautiful.

“I’ll do it today”, “today i’ll say exactly how i feel, i won’t conform.” Yea, right. i tell myself this nearly everday and every day goes by without this action actually taking place. Ok. thanks. yes I hear you, but i cant. i just cant. i cant explain myself or how i feel out loud well enough for anyone to understand it. and plus, its just easier to agree. NOOOO. yes it is. YOUR AFRAID. so. i mean no, no im not. But you are, your scared that if you actually say what you feel, what you REALLY feel, that it will make him angry. And that’s the whole point of conforming, so that you wont make him angry; and he wont  yell and things will stay ok. you think your saving them, but your not. so continue, to keep your mouth closed, you scared little girl.

“Lets talk to each other like adults, since you are an adult now, lets stop all of this childish stuff.” “Give me your phone, ipods, no tv, no radio, you cant go anywhere.” you go from one extreme to the next in a matter of minutes. I’m an adult, yes an adult for all intents and purposes and you want to talk to me like one but treat me like a child. that makes since to you? dont take my shit. i mean really. im 18 years old, its not going to help you or me at all. This thing, how your trying to “discipline” me, is not going to help you. I promis it wont. what this lovely method is doing is simply making the time between graduation and when i leave this house less and less. so thank you. and when i try to talk to you like an adult, then i need to “watch my tone” and “remember who im talking to”. and then, when you take my stuff and ive done nothing, your worsening my disdain for you. good job.

i dooont really know how im gonna figure all of this out. 5 and a possible 6th. 3 applications due in about 2 weeks. An essay to write on a topic thats as broad a topic as you could ever think of. maney to get but i dont know how to get it. scholarships and recommendation latters and trascripts and a resume’. a resume’ that is gonna be a project to make look good because ive accomplished not so much of anything. and sleep, of which i get none, the load that i can not take off. i need to see you to keep my sanity and i cant. theres nothing i can do about it. and this waiting periods ridiculous, and this time goes by so fast but so painstakingly slow. my mind is racing constantly. what if i get into all five. wat if i get into usc, do i go? nooo. i cant go across the world, but will i be able to turn it down? UGH! what if none of them except me? then what?

…to be continued.