An open wound, thats bleeding steadily and violently,
And you’re trying to pretend that you don’t care.
Almost like I’m supposed to believe your front, and do away with reason.
And by the way, you’re a horrible liar, I can see it on your face.

How are we doing this to each other?
Have we forgotten everything?
How is it that someone I used to love, I hate and hates me?
Hate is a strong word, but as delicate as we are, what isn’t?

My blood runs thick at a hint of your presence.
Merely the hope of an offchance that we’ll both grow up.
Maybe I’m wrong for believing we could still be friends.
Mostly, I’m wrong for everything as it is, so what do I have to lose?

Don’t you miss the way we were before the fall?
Deep down, I miss my best friend, and I miss my comfort.
Deep down, I miss all of our good times, that have grinded to a halt.
Deep down, I miss you.

You have everything.
You have best friends, good friends, all kinds of friends.
You are encompassed by people who love you and care about you.
I am one of those people.

But in the great crowd, I feel that my voice is drowned out.
I can’t seem to find my place in your life.
I’m so lost as to why you took the extremes you took for us to be together.
I really love being together, but what was so necessary about me?

You left what I saw as a perfect life.
You seemed to have it all.
I didn’t have anything to offer you.
You have everything I can provide.

Why?
What makes me good enough for you to leave it all?
Why did you do it?
What was the difference between me and everyone else?

I actually can’t find a reason.
Is it me you are actually interested in?
A real first.
Someone who actually follows their heart. =)

“Hey, we need to talk…” i’m about to tell you i’ve been cheating on you for six months with your sister
“ok. let’s talk”   i know.
“you know i love you, right?”    ..or at least the sex…and the food.
“yes.”    or at least that’s what you’ve been telling me when you come from HER house.
“well, i think we need to be freinds for awhile.”   so  i can sleep with you sister guilt free
“ any particular reason?” you’re really a prick, thinking that i don’t know
“so that i can figure my life out” and sleep with your sister guilt free
“no other reason?”  you’re such a  liar.
“no” i’m such a liar.

Please?
hold on. i’m busy.
But i need your help…
can you give me a minute? i just got a new zune.
oh, that’s cool. how do you feel abou-
OHMYSELF! look at this! isn’t this cool?
Ya, that’s one of the new features, but i really need your advice on…
Hey. I said “gimme a minute”. geez.

<silence.>

Well, ok God, i can see you’re busy so i guess i’ll just catch up with you later…..
ok,see ya later!          man, solitaire too? these guys think of it all.

Pull back the bricks and the mortar, my children.
hold out your hands  for your inheiritance;
oil sludge, mar and muck, innocent life liquid – all i have to offer you,
everything you have given me,
i return to your babies.
so hold out thier small soft hands;
bullets and shrapnel, old sludge and innocent life liquid – all you have to offer them.

hold the hat
for the man in the
black
cape.

your life-
white wonderbread against
pumpernikol
when
the color of our hearts hold the
judgments in our heads.

the time for smiles is gone,
mr. freeze.
why can’t you see

it’s too bad your car
is so common.
every time i see one that looks like
it, my heart leaps.
and then i remeber
i remeber that your car
is almost 1,ooo,ooo,ooo miles away;

down the next block,
over one street
and around that little corner-
and then your door.

not far, but far enough to keep me
here
and you…
you never go anywhere anyway.

O, freakish untensil
Your shame I shall hide
O, wondrous monster
I shall stay by your side.
A man and a woman
of different tastes
call for two tools.
“Find her a spoon
to bring her her soup.”
“Find him a fork
to bring him his meat.”
I reject this.
Just as the man and wife wed,
so, too, the spoon
and the fork.
Just as marriage makes two one,
yet more than one,
so, too, with the spork.
Though some rebuke thee–
“Twisted,” they say, “and vile.”–
They know not the nature of beauty.
O, freakish utensil
Two blend in one head.
O, wondrous monster
With you I am fed.

Before.

I was beat, hated, abused, mistreated, raped, killed, stabbed, and left for dead.
Gutted and stripped of all honor or pride or glory. Night was dark, and the sun never shone.
I had trusted the world to complete me. And to care and nurture me.
I was at my lowest bottom. At the worst place I had ever been in.
The world stripped all that was important, and beat me until I felt like a nobody.
Truth was, then I was a nobody. I wasn’t anybody.
I was beat into a pit of nothingness. No hope for love, or a future.

I laid on the hard, cold ground, and begged the Heavens for mercy and forgiveness.
I knew I was wrong. I knew I needed help. I knew I didn’t have the answers.
I begged for someone to hold me and to care for me, and be unbiased.
Someone to love me unconditionally and not to ask for anything in return.
I begged for help, or ambition. I begged for something to end all the misery that had by far destroyed the person who I was. I begged for a rebirth, because I wanted to feel true love.
Thank God, he heard my screams of agony, as I lay, begging for completion.

He gave me salvation as soon as I asked.
He then revivied my life.
He gave me control over my musical abilities.
But he didn’t stop there.

He bent over from Heaven, lifted my unfinished corpse up, and placed my bloody, ruined, used body, in your arms. You accepted this pathetic excuse of a man, and kissed the love back into my veins, as his spirit filled my lungs with the air that I needed. I looked at your face, and your beauty surrounded me as I opened my eyes to see what was real. At that point, I didn’t know why he chose your arms to put me in, but he did. I was soon to find out that being in the arms of beauty makes for a happy ending.

You two pulled me to my feet, and held me because I couldn’t stand. He gave me strength to hold onto you as you held onto him. He then set my legs own and gave me strength to hold my own weight.
He placed love in my heart for you that was greater than I could ever know.
He then pushed us together, and put my arms around you. He stripped all the pain and sorrow away, for there was work to be done.

He crafted us to fit perfectly into each others needs, my muscles to compliment your curves.
My boldness to your meekness.
Your faith to my doubt.
He then gave you the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.
He then gave me a desire to please you, greater and unlike any other desire.
He allowed you to clean my gashes and sow them together.
He then pulled us apart for a while, to do some personal work.
I recieved honesty, tenderness, compassion, and true love.
You recieved strength, trust, boldness, and true love as well.
He pushed us back together after 4 months of refining, and put my arms around you like before.
He then conquered our doubts, and let us love with all we had.
When he finished, he put his tools away, and sat back and took a deep breath.
He studied us and nodded his head,
and just like the beginning of the world, he said, “This is good.”

He then spoke into my spirit that you were the one. He said to care for you and love you, as he had me. I still hold to this very day that being there for you is one of my callings. One of my purposes is to be your husband. Your childrens father. Your safety and comfort. I was to be all that I could be all that I could be for you, because he made us together to be together. I would tell you how our story ends, but its just began. Many hills to climb. But one last thing God gave me was strength, to pick you up and carry you when the hills seemed to big. To answer an age old question, is there love at first sight?
Yes, but better than that, there is EVERLASTING love at first sight.

Renegade, Renegade, you are soon to fall.
Your rebellion has long continued and worn out.
Yet you continue running and fighting.

Renegade, Renegade, asking you to surrender is futile.
To stop your rebellion is to silence you.
Yet your silence is a tragedy to even those who oppose you.

Renegade, Renegade, instead of fighting our cause,
understand that which makes us who we are.
We have each others back, and would like to have yours too.

We don’t hate you, we don’t dislike you,
we want you, because we love who you are.
Renegade, your household cries for your support.

Renegade, Renegade, your campaign has caused pain.
You’ve killed many things, but never the joy and never the love.
Renegade, you aren’t strong enough to smother the love.

Truth be told, Renegade, our love is stronger than ANY opposition.
Even yours. You aren’t strong enough renegade.
You can take away oppurtunity, you can take away joy,
you can fight our loving freedom, but you can’t kill the love.
You know what they say, if you can’t beat em, join em?

           I remember. I remember every time…she wore that red, velvet, dress. Every time she wore her her long, curly, black hair down and put on her long, black, velvet gloves. Every time she glided over to the microphone, across from my piano, how the dark enveloped her, then dissapated from the waist up as she melted the room with soft, slurred blues, promises of love long after the day is done. All with her Southern French drawl. Oh that red velvet dress, it went on for miles. I remember no matter how much you wanted to keep looking at her, everyone ended up closing their eyes. I remember the way she bobbed on her red, velvet, hips, and swayed in the limelight, holding the microphone like how everyone in the dimly lit lounge must’ve wished she’d hold them. I remember. I remember every time she broke my heart on that stage, but kept the pieces glued together with Southern, French hope just long enough to keep me coming back…just so she could it again. And I remember the way she smelled in the Jazzband haze, the fingers of her fragrance stroking my cheek and the way it perfected the soft heat of the lounge. She smelled like smoke and paradise, like intrigue and innocence, she smelled like sweet, comfortable, darkness.

i just don’t like that chick.
she thinks she knows it all, but she’s stupid… as hell…

but i don’t say anything rude to her because he likes her…

let’s see how long this lasts.

CONT.

ok, so i started thinking about the whole thing.
why does he like her and not me?
why does she act as if he’s not the BEST guy she’s ever encountered?
why am I not upset that he likes her…

answers?
she’s pretty.
she hasn’t always been this way.
in that twisted little mind of hers, there is some form of amazing substance.

she’s stupid.
[as i stated above]
she wants the benefits without the committment.
it’s easy.

i thought i might be…
but as he continued to express his affection for her,
i understood.

she’s his perfect woman.

and i’m fine being his perfect friend.

i think im falling in love with you…

“so wat now?”

now, i keep falling in love with you, and thinking that im the luckiest girl in the world for having you. how’s that sound babe?

“that sounds perfect. i love you”

He leaned over the mirror, straw in hand.
“why you like that shit so much?”
he turns.
pause.
” ’cause men would rather embrace demons than be  shadows.” 
 snort.
cough.
“you see my freind,” he continued, “in a world where no means yes, mirrors hide monsters and everybody’s lookin for someone, everybody’s somebody’s someone that nobody knows of. You dig?”  
“i dunno…” 
smile.
“Exactly.”

it is true,
that when the heart stops
the body goes into

r     g       r                     o       t        s
    i      o                  m        r        i  

 it is true,
that when the heat stops
the breath
                         F a d e s ……

you make my heart stop.
                                              

                                                                    but i’m warm
                                                           all
                                                                  over.
 
and somhow,

                                i’m still breathing.

My wish is for you to have everything you’ve ever wanted and to have all that your heart desires.
That you wake up in the morning with a smile.
That love will be freely given to you, from whomever you please.
My wish is for one simple thing for you. Abundance.

My wish for you is for you to feel the completeness that I feel in you.
That you will unconditionally love me for forever.
That you and me are always greater than that which opposes us.
My wish is for one simple thing for you. A Stronger Me.

My wish for you is for us to be constant.
That I won’t be in and out of your life.
That you won’t lose sight of your future and goals and dreams, because of me.
My wish is for one simple thing for us. Eternity.

Dying a thousand deaths does not scare me.
Living in the abscense of you is is scarier than death.
Living in the abscense of you is true death.

You see, death is only limited.
Death cannot kill the love I have for you.
Death cannot destroy the life that your love has renewed.
Death is not real.

When I pass from this life, I can carry my love for you into the next.
When I close my eyes and lose my breath to death,
God’s love and your love will be the candles in the darkness.
The loves that held me up in this world, will guide me to the next.
The arms I ran to for safety, will open for me in the shadow of death.
God’s grace will carry me from the earth to the sky.
The memories of you will be my only possession.
Naked I came into his world, and naked I shall leave.
But I shall not leave empty.
I will leave this earth full of your love.

I will die with 12 final words.
I will love you for forever and ever and ever. And ever.

     There was no reason for us to like eachother. We had been rasied to respect one another and be courteous. But the never said we had to like each other; and  boy, we didn’t. we couldn’t stand to be in the  same room. We wouldn’t be in classes together, wouldn’t dare be in the same clubs or honor societies. we hated each other. in the surest form of the word; couldn’t stand the sight of one another… it was a pity, ‘cuase we were so similar. the great things we could have done………

his shiny leather shoes
on the floor,
his fingers tracing
her pale, pale neck.

nothing between them
                                         but the truth.
tighter than clothing,
more strangling than rope -
the truth.

when he turned away,
she longed to trace his shoulder
with the stars against the
black, black night
just like she use to,
when she wasn’t a liar
and when he,
when  he still loved her.

she hated the sun,
her replacement in the austentatious, gaudy
daylight.
 how she hated the sun.

but the sun served a purpose,
and the beautiful pale, pale moon
knew this.

and still, she watched silently and waited
for the twilight to come and the
day to be done.
she wished so hard for the damn autumn sun to go down
down
and
of course,
it never did.

there can be no love without truth.
and love is a two way street.

I am Shadow.

I’m pasted on the wall by your every move.
I have never determined my own destiny.

You’ve always controlled me.
You raise your arm, I raise mine.
You let go, I let go.
You hurt, I hurt.
You get knocked down, and I fall as well.
I am just your sick, sunless reflection.

But not for long.

A shadow is only good when light is present.
Soon, twilight will fall like rain in the summertime.
It will veil all that was gleaming, and you’ll be left in my domain.

And then, I’ll be right there.

Control me, abuse me, and victimize me now.
Cause after sunset, I’ll be the living black ink that covers the painted paper sky.

Then you’ll be afraid.

I’ll be the clouds that cover the moon.
I’ll be the whisper of the trees as the wind blows in the “calm.”
I’ll be the lightlessness that will return you to humility.

I’ll be the blackout that steals your sight.
I’ll be the Great Shadow.
Night.
And I’ll be everywhere.

Then you will TRULY see.

your rejections are
                                          his hands around my wrist
a crushing force
                                           to lead me to an early disowning

of the memories of something better
                                          
                                              of something that  was in the past

you never knew 
                                           a secret i kept tied to my tounge

a secret i couldn’t keep

because i was afraid
                                               afraid for the future that i knew he couldn’t
                                                                     share with me
afraid you would reject me
                                                 
                                                     but i finally accepted it

and so i stopped trying
                                                  
                                                     i embraced him as he was
and i let you go
                                 
                             because i had found somthing under the surface 
                                                                                      
                                                                      that made me love him.
                                         

i placed                 my life
my   s o  u  n  d
         myquick beating heart
in your hands.

i wrote

       his truth
 his  LIES
           his infidelity

on the alabaster stone
     of my soul

i charged
                     it as
       his sin
         my angsssssst
and our terribly beautiful mistake.

we 
                          the fig tree
                             ate fruit

and held
stars .each other. stars 
                                                                     to heaven.                                      

your breath kissed my skin             and took me                                 
                                                                               

you were my wonderful, terrible anomoly.

His ring on her finger,
someone else’s name on that envelope.
God, i wanted to scribble out the truth with
all my heart.
I wanted to be the one to have my name on that card.
i wanted it to be my name on the alabaster stone
of his soul.
a two of diamonds, a three of hearts, a malicious looking
joker. – i had played all my cards.
i had used all my soul to make it better for them.
we waited in the storm tossed night to hold the dawn in our palms,
precious and fragile.
holding onto the stem of his soul, i blew.
puff,
nothing left but the green stalks that
held the fluff together. beautiful in simplicity.
something, something sinister this way comes.
with bated breath we watched as the infrastructure
collapsed.
we held a bondfire jamboree as it collapsed.
as we danced, naked, in the hot orange glow
i wondered if we should be mourning the loss of
simplicity.
we never knew….
never knew what we had done.
holding our hearts in our hands we greeted the dawn,
the precious fragile dawn.

I ate ice until your teeth chattered and shattered.
we showed the world what we were made of
 when we wished on stars
that spiraled through the Milky Way.
with the small dog clutched to my chest i raced
a race against the steady thrum of the Tiber,
 against the crumbling of the Aztec ruins,
 against the blooms of the magnolia.

We are only as firm as the words of our promises.

I don’t look at you like I used to.

I tried to hate you, I tried to make your life miserable without me.

Sad thing was, I was miserable without you.

I tried to make things work in your absence. They didn’t.

I don’t look at you like I used to.

I will always remember the our first kiss,  and the peek of you I stole.

You really loved me then didn’t you?

I tried to erase you and all the times I saw you from my memory. I couldn’t.

I don’t look at you like I used to.

You see, we’re not the same people we were when we first got together.

We’ll never be able to pick up the pieces and rebuild it all.

We’ll never be able to see each other the same.

I don’t look at you like I used to.

I love you, and I’ve become blind to looks or stolen glances.

I love you, I missed you, and regardless of how tore down we were, I need you back.

W’re not the same, but love never changes, does it?

So let’s fall back in love. Nothing is stopping us but ourselves.

When people ask me what happened between me and you, I want a one word answer: “Fallen.”